My Birth Story - Jordan Gabriel, 5/1/23
(*TW: I discuss physiological and medical details about labor and birth and the reality of birth complications in this post. As always, be mindful of the content you consume and protect your mental health if you are not in a place to read this.)
Jordan Gabriel (aka Little J on IG 😝) entered this world on Monday, May 1st at 5:10pm via a very fast emergency c-section following 24+ hours of labor. He and I are both healthy, but buckle up… this story is a wild one!
Going into this birth, I had a few wishes in mind - to utilize different comfort measures than I had during my first birth during early labor (ie. tub, TENS unit, and meditation), get an epidural when things got tough, and deliver vaginally again. I also *really* hoped for a shorter/faster labor than I had with Jack (38 hours..!), which seemed reasonable considering anyone and everyone told me that second births are typically faster.
So…..where do I even begin?! Perhaps on the morning of Friday, April 28th, when I woke up to some bloody show and then soon began to feel some mild contractions. I was so excited! I was just five days before my due date, but considering Jack had come eight days early, I was honestly surprised that I was still pregnant at this point.
Friday 4/28: That entire day I felt mild and irregular contractions, but nothing picked up in intensity or frequency. That night, before going to bed, I went to the bathroom and felt my mucus plug come out in my underwear. I hadn’t noticed my mucus plug with Jack so I wasn’t quite sure what it would look like - but this was VERY obvious. I excitedly told Jake and felt like things would pick up overnight. I continued to feel mild contractions at somewhat regular intervals throughout the night (which made it difficult to sleep), but by morning they had somewhat subsided.
This pattern went on all day Saturday and into Sunday morning. By then, I was getting discouraged - the contractions weren’t getting any more intense, but they were noticeable enough that I had to stop and breathe through them. I learned what I was experiencing was called prodromal labor - contractions that occur before true labor and can last for days or even weeks. NOT fun!
Sunday 4/30, 1:00pm: By mid-afternoon on Sunday, the contractions seemed to intensify and become more regular. They were occurring anywhere from 6-10 minutes apart, lasting about 30 seconds each, and were intense enough that I had to stop moving or talking and breathe through them each time. At this point I began using the TENS unit on my back, which really helped distract my brain from the pain of contractions. I called my doula and let her know what was happening, and she suggested we remain at home for a bit until things really started to pick up.
Sunday 4/30, 10:00pm: Jake and I got ready for bed that night around 10:00pm and as soon as I went to lay down to *try* to rest (I was doubtful I could sleep, but was going to try), my water broke! It came out like a big gush all over the futon. I was so excited because it finally felt like go-time. We called the midwife on-call at the hospital and she told us to head in. My parents came over to pick up Jack and bring him back to their house, and then Jake and I left for the hospital. Thankfully it was only a 15-minute drive because riding in a car while having contractions is a very unpleasant experience, if you know what I mean…!
Sunday 4/30, 11:00pm: We arrived at the hospital and headed into triage. At this point my contractions were coming about every 5 minutes or so and still lasting about 30ish seconds each. In between, I felt totally normal, which I was pleasantly surprised about, because that was NOT my experience with Jack - I had excruciating back labor with him and never felt that relief in between each contraction, so this felt nice. Our birth doula, Pooka, arrived around 11:45pm and met us in triage.
Considering I had been having contractions for almost three days now, had lost my mucus plug two days prior, and my water had broken, I was excited for the nurse to check my cervix because I was convinced I was somewhat dilated - but when she checked me, I was less than 1 cm. She did say I was about 80% effaced, which means my cervix was changing, but I was SO disappointed. How could I have made such little “progress” after all this time?
Monday 5/1, 1:00am: Since my water had broken, they admitted me and we checked into our room. They had me do about 30 minutes of continuous heart rate monitoring, and then I was free to labor how I wished. I asked to use the tub, which I was excited about trying this time. The hospital had separate “spa”’ rooms with a large labor tub which was really cool. I labored in the tub for about three hours, listening to my birth meditations on the Gentle Birth App (the ones I had been doing throughout pregnancy). This was probably my favorite overall part of my labor experience - I truly felt like I was using all of the positive mindset work I had worked so hard to cultivate in pregnancy, and being in the water felt really good on my body.
Monday 5/1, 4:30am: After a few hours in the tub, I felt ready to get out and head back to my room. My contractions were increasing in intensity and I was curious if my cervix had dilated at all. They checked me around 7:00am and I was still only 1cm 🫤 At this point I was SO tired (we hadn’t slept all night), in a lot of pain, and wanted to rest, so I asked what my other pain management options were. We decided to try IV pain medication (Fentanyl) and they also gave me Cytotec to hopefully help progress dilation. The pain medication did help me feel more relaxed, but it wore off after an hour or so, and all I really wanted was to nap. I felt like my body had already been through so much and I was just SO exhausted.
Monday 5/1, 8;30am: I asked for an epidural and they agreed, even though I was only 1cm. Epidural was placed at 9:00am - the anesthesiologist did it super fast, it began working relatively quickly, and I could finally rest!
Throughout Monday morning, I labored in bed with the nurses, Jake, and Pooka helping me shift positions as needed. I could still feel pressure during each contraction, but no pain. I was able to rest and sort of nap, which was so needed.
Monday 5/1, 11:30am: The baby’s heart rate suddenly dropped during a contraction and wasn’t coming back up for several minutes afterwards, which is dangerous for the baby. A bunch of nurses and the midwife came swarming in and they had to administer an injection into my arm to completely stop my contractions so that the heart rate would recover. This experience was really scary, as I had six or more hospital staff swarming over me, one yelling at me to “turn over!”, and a nurse immediately jabbing a needle into my arm without much warning at all. The medication worked as intended, as the baby’s heart rate recovered, but it completely stalled my labor for about an hour and gave me the *worst* shakes.
Monday 5/1, 12:30pm: Labor picked back up, but at this point, I was becoming more and more nervous that things weren’t headed in the right direction, and discouraged that my labor was taking so long. My midwife still had a calm presence, which I’m so grateful for, and said there were a few things we could try. She placed a fetal scalp electrode on the baby’s head, up through my cervix, to better monitor the baby’s heart rate as labor progressed. She also checked me and I had progressed to 2.5cm dilated - not much progress, but at least something.
Monday 5/1, 2:00pm: Unfortunately, the heart rate scare happened again and they almost had to administer the same medication again, but thankfully it resolved with a few position changes using the peanut ball. This time I was so nervous while it was happening that MY oxygen dropped, and I needed to breathe supplemental oxygen. I also continued to have the worst shakes as I think my body was just in such shock.
The midwife explained that the baby was likely not tolerating my contractions well because my water had broken many hours earlier and there was not enough fluid inside to “buffer” the squeezing sensation of the contractions. She decided to add additional fluids up through my cervix in hopes of helping this issue. She also checked me again around 3:00pm and I had dilated to 7cm - progress!! I finally felt somewhat hopeful that this would be over soon and I would get to meet my baby. My body felt so extremely exhausted and even more importantly, I mentally felt so burnt-out.
Over the next hour or so, I could feel increasing vaginal pressure which my doula explained was a good sign because hopefully that meant the baby was dropping. It felt like we were close, but then it happened again - the heart rate scare. This time, all of the staff swarmed in and the energy just felt different. Apparently the baby’s heart rate was staying low again, and the midwife was concerned that the baby just wasn’t tolerating the intensifying contractions towards the end of dilation. I could hear lots of chatter, medical jargon, and stressful energy in the room, and I couldn’t stop shaking. The baby’s heart rate was still low, I felt dizzy and lightheaded and needed more oxygen, and I could tell things weren’t going well.
Monday 5/1, 4:58pm: My midwife called for an emergency c-section - she said we needed to get into the operating room NOW. It all happened so fast… they immediately wheeled me down the hall, leaving Jake and Pooka in my room. The nurses assured me that Jake would meet me there in a few minutes. Once we got into the OR, they quickly lifted me onto the operating table. It seemed like 20 staff members were bustling around the room. I felt really scared as I had had literally zero mental preparation for what was about to happen. I remember shaking a lot and crying. They prepped me for surgery, ensured my epidural was working properly, and then Jake met me in there at 5:07pm.
Monday 5/1, 5:10pm: Jordan Gabriel was born via emergency c-section - just 12 minutes after my midwife had made the call. He came out with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck, which they said in combination with the low fluid levels, was the reason he did not tolerate my contractions well and prevented him from descending enough to put the necessary amount of pressure on my cervix to dilate.
Thankfully, he was healthy! They placed him on my chest and although I was still shaking and overwhelmed with emotion, I felt such relief that he was here and we were both okay.
However, a few minutes after he was out, as they began stitching me up, I felt overwhelmingly nauseous and like I was going to vomit on the table. They took Jordan away and administered an anti-nausea medication through my IV, which completely knocked me out. I don’t really remember the next couple of hours, but Jake said I immediately became very drowsy, closing my eyes, and slurring my words when I tried to talk. Jake ended up doing skin-to-skin with Jordan during this time and monitoring all of the tests and other things that were happening.
Monday 5/1, 8:00pm: When I “came to” around this time, as the medication started to wear off, I felt completely overwhelmed, confused, and angry that I had missed the first few hours of Jordan’s life. I was still physically numb and on so many drugs, but I finally got to hold my baby. He was here, he was healthy, and I had made it.
This was *not* the birth I had imagined, prepared for, and hoped for. There is a lot of sadness and grief in my experience, and at the time of this post (3 weeks out), I still have barely even scratched the surface of processing it all. The immediate questions running through my mind in those first few hours/days were things like - Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? How come other women have shorter and easier labors? How come my body couldn’t do it? And on and on and on.
I also have been thinking a lot about women throughout history and those living in other countries without access to the care I had. Both my midwife and my OB shared that in my situation, I would have likely been in labor for many days without fully progressing and Jordan very likely would have died. I get so emotional just thinking about it - how lucky I am to live in a place with access to this care and how grateful I am for modern medicine.
On the other hand, I also have a lot of emotions to process surrounding the disappointment, anger, and grief I feel about my birth experience. Though rationally I know what happened is not my fault, I feel disappointed in my body that it progressed so slowly during labor. Everyone kept telling me that the second birth would be shorter and easier…. Well, that wasn’t the case for me! I find it difficult to hear about others’ births where they had a fairly straightforward 8-12 hour labor. Why couldn’t that have happened to me? I am working on the comparison game here but so far it’s been really hard. My midwife told me I am part of the 5-10% of women who end up having an emergency c-section after having had a vaginal birth.
I am also simply angry that my birth didn’t go according to “plan” - in any way, shape, or form, really. I am grieving the experience that I wish I had, and likely never will have. The “well, at least your baby is healthy” and “but look what precious gift you have!” comments do not help. I know rationally that it is okay to feel this grief and sadness, but when you’re currently feeling it, it doesn’t feel good.
Ultimately, I still strongly hold my belief that all women are warriors. I am now a part of both “clubs” - those who have had a vaginal birth and have had a cesarean - which seems pretty cool to me. I still have a lot of processing to do, but if sharing my experience makes even one person feel less alone, then I have done my job.
Sending love to all of you no matter how you have birthed… it’s all hard and we should all be proud of ourselves, no matter how it went. And as always, thank you for being such a kind and supportive community - I feel lucky to be surrounded by so much love in this online space!